my repression, ineffective.
my thoughts became regressive,
as unimpressive as a soldier unsold on the old objectives.
a resurrection, unsuccessful,
ashes in an earthen vessel -
and i still crave your blessing
you’re like the angel that jacob wrestled!

the scope of what has been done
fills the horizon of my mind -
cloud by day and pillar by night -
the sudden end of my perceived bondage
and the path with no promised land in sight!
i live from weight to weight, the pain of guilt
pressing my chest like a hunk of fallen slate.
lift it from me! save me from the false salvation of escape
or, at least, the intolerable -
and increasingly likely - possibility
of love returned by hate!

and if i am worth life -
no, nevermind -
(that was a question for another time)

christ, the memories! how can i tolerate them?
can i leave the feelings settled so i never have to aggravate them?
around my feet this edifice has crumbled in the snow.
at my side my wearied fists are sick of trading blows.

in the dark and the cold, we kissed and touched
and came up stumbling from the must.
drowned by the drinking i did in excess;
cemetery of hope for healthy progress.
at the fear of my words and yours, i wept:
a taste, a door, weeds, a swing-set -
things i promised to forget
(impossible promises, intermittently kept).

they were new wine in old skins, bursting the seams
and it all ran out in clear and scarlet streams
(an erupted heart - isn't that what it means?)
oh, but i'll still soak up whatever i can!
i've said: you are the hourglass, i am the sand;
and if there's some part of you
that still cares to understand:
you marked out my seasons with an unconscious hand.

you are a soft hand i held once in a car ride,
eaten alive by anxious thoughts as the miles passed by.
you are brown eyes, wide and enchanted,
i stared into countless times but never under such painful circumstances!
You are haunting lips i pressed to mine - but oh!
did i not believe in someone else only three weeks ago?

you are the warmth that interred me with sensation
when anger burned against the hope of reconciliation.
you are a fragile life i've tried to hold together -
and all the strings of my attachment are bound up in this godless endeavor!
you are my best friend and worst struggle - and oh,
did i not belong to someone else only three weeks ago?

you are the smile i cannot predict.
following your eyes down - averting conflict.
whatever suffering there is left to inflict,
bring it on me! it's no more than i deserve!

i am a nihilist - when the atmosphere demands
and some tortured voice shreds me like rusted nails through holy hands;
or existentialist - when your palms on my chest
and wide eyes penetrate me like no prayer has ever managed to effect!

the fire of experience burns my skin,
or is that the amber liquid you made me sip from in the smoker's den?
my lungs are bursting with the force of your emotive innocence,
or is that the smoke from a half-lit cigarette, glowing in the dark behind the fence?

i throw my life before you, net on the other side.
flood me with yourself
like bits of seashells on the rising tide.
i gave thanks and broke my soul and placed it in your hands:
it’s my blasphemous confession! my writing in the sand!

unlace the knotted parts of me
(heavy heart and eyes too wild to see)
unlace the knotted parts of me
oh, i’m a tangled heap of anxiety
untie the strangled parts and then
(despite how tied my mind has been)
untied the strangled and then
my whole being will breathe again.

take a breath, breathe
you are a tree of holy leaves
you are a raindrop from the eaves
you are precious; you are free
you are worthy of belief.